U.S.—Space Jam 2 hasn't been performing as well at the box office as Warner Bros. had hoped, prompting the movie studio to make drastic changes. The film has been frantically re-edited and re-released with Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time, digitally inserted into the film in place of LeBron James, the second or possibly third greatest basketball player of all time.
"We realized the only way to drum up more interest in this film was to put the greatest player of all time into it," said one executive. "So we took out LeBron and put Jordan in, and whamo! People started going to see the movie." Analysts say that putting in an athlete with superior skills, a better attitude, and less hate for America "worked wonders" for the movie's box office performance, causing tons of people to flock to theatres and begin streaming the movie on HBO Max once they saw that the "insufferable" LeBron James wasn't in the movie anymore.
"I guess Jordan's the GOAT both in basketball and in live-action films mashed together with Looney Tunes characters. He's the rare total package. Well, I guess he wasn't any good at baseball. But other than that, I mean."
James didn't take the news well, tweeting out a picture of Warner Bros. studio with the ominous caption "You're next."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."