U.S.—Space Jam 2 hasn't been performing as well at the box office as Warner Bros. had hoped, prompting the movie studio to make drastic changes. The film has been frantically re-edited and re-released with Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time, digitally inserted into the film in place of LeBron James, the second or possibly third greatest basketball player of all time.
"We realized the only way to drum up more interest in this film was to put the greatest player of all time into it," said one executive. "So we took out LeBron and put Jordan in, and whamo! People started going to see the movie." Analysts say that putting in an athlete with superior skills, a better attitude, and less hate for America "worked wonders" for the movie's box office performance, causing tons of people to flock to theatres and begin streaming the movie on HBO Max once they saw that the "insufferable" LeBron James wasn't in the movie anymore.
"I guess Jordan's the GOAT both in basketball and in live-action films mashed together with Looney Tunes characters. He's the rare total package. Well, I guess he wasn't any good at baseball. But other than that, I mean."
James didn't take the news well, tweeting out a picture of Warner Bros. studio with the ominous caption "You're next."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."