CLEVELAND, OH—Under intense pressure from the Native American community and progressive activists, the Cleveland Indians have finally retired their racist Chief Wahoo logo. They won't be changing their name, though, and instead are replacing the antiquated Indian with another well-known Indian: Apu from The Simpsons.
As part of a deal with Fox, Apu will now appear on all Indians merchandise and be prominently featured in all Cleveland Indians advertising. The Indians say they are finally making things right with the Native American community with this move, and they are hoping the new mascot is as inoffensive as possible.
"We hope this gets us out of hot water with the woke folks," said front office Cultural Sensitivity Manager Fred Bobo. "Sorry, I think it's 'folx' now, isn't it? Whatever won't get us canceled."
"Anyway, we don't see any problems with the new logo, and we think it's going to be a real hit with the Native Americans."
"What? Yeah, I don't care," said one Native American tribal leader when we asked him about the Indians. "They can name their baseball team whatever they want. I'm more of a hockey guy. Big Blackhawks fan."
At publishing time, the Cleveland Indians had frantically begun searching for a new logo after googling "Is Apu racist?"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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