HEAVEN—A spokesperson for heaven confirmed today that church nursery workers will all be awarded a complimentary "FastPass" once they arrive at the pearly gates.
The complimentary FastPass will let them bypass the line outside the pearly gates as well as get on all rides and attractions ahead of everyone throughout eternity. From priority seating at all heavenly potlucks to front row seats at all angelic concerts, the FastPass will have many benefits in the great beyond, sources confirmed Monday.
"This is a great way to reward those who changed dirty diapers and dealt with screaming toddlers as their pastors preached extra-long sermons and church members socialized for hours, leaving their kids in the nursery for as long as possible," said the spokesperson. "Seriously, what's wrong with you people!?"
"Anyway, we know this isn't enough. But we hope it's a good start and that we can make it up to you more throughout eternity."
Pastors who preached too long while on earth will be given a SlowPass.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
State and local officials rush to create a catalog of minors to hand over to those on the Epstein client list.
"We want to protect the children" This new bill (Illinois SB 3977) is very similar to the recently passed California bill (and the introduced Colorado bill) and, if passed, would set a deadline of January 1st, 2028 for compliance.
https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
