WASHINGTON, D.C.—At the first hearing covering the January 6 insurrection, powerful, gripping testimony was given by the ghost of AOC, who passed away in the deadly riots. Committee members got out some candles and a Ouija board and attempted to summon her spirit. Finally, she materialized to give her testimony.
Reporters say there wasn't a dry eye in the place as Ocasio-Cortez related the events of that day.
"I died that day," she said, ghost tears flowing from her ghost face. "It was horrifying. It was like a medieval war: fighting inch by inch, little by little, trying to push out the invaders. Sadly, while others survived by the skin of their teeth, I didn't make it."
Ocasio-Cortez recounted to a mesmerized audience how she fought off the attackers with her .50 caliber mounted machine gun, taking down wave after wave of Trump supporters intent on killing her. But finally, she claims, one of them threw a copy of The Art of the Deal at her face, and she dropped dead.
She also claimed the person who threw the book at her was "probably Ted Cruz."
"OK, I gotta go haunt Ben Shapiro now. Byeeee!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
