NEW YORK, NY—As the new Delta variant continues to wreak havoc in the U.S., a spokesman for drugmaker Pfizer admitted today that the true COVID vaccine isn’t what was injected into our bodies, but rather the friends we made along the way.
“The key to defeating COVID was inside of us this whole time,” the spokesman said. "I’m not talking about our immune systems. I’m talking about our friends, families, and neighbors who helped us through this difficult ordeal. They are the TRUE cure for the pandemic.”
“Over the last 17 months, we’ve laughed together virtually, cried together virtually, and even burned down several city blocks in the name of peaceful protests,” he said. “If we keep working together while wearing masks and staying six feet apart, there’s no end to what we can accomplish.”
“Though we’ve made great progress, we’re not out of the woods just yet,” the spokesman then warned. “So please, continue to harass your friends and neighbors about wearing masks, report improper behavior to government authorities, and out strangers on social media whenever possible. That’s what good friends do.”
The spokesman concluded the press conference by urging everyone to get a third Pfizer shot, preferably prior to the end of the company’s fiscal third quarter on September 30. He said the firm is also testing the need for a fourth booster shot, the need for which will depend highly on how the rest of their fiscal year goes.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—AFT President Randi Weingarten spoke out today to clarify that the teachers union official “pro-choice” stance only applies to killing babies, not to parents being able to decide where their children attend school.
The controversy stemmed from a poorly-worded email intended to bolster support for abortion rights among the union’s Democrat base. The email stated, “The right to choose for oneself is a fundamental right of American citizens.” Some union members grew concerned, thinking the choice being referenced was the right of parents to select what school their children attend.
The union issued a swift apology this morning. “To be clear, we were only talking about a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn child,” Weingarten said. “Once a child is born, we firmly believe that no parent, man or woman, has any right whatsoever to decide where a child attends school.”
Weingarten went on to note that, “in fact, other than abortion and selecting ...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, President Biden was spotted at Home Depot using color swatches to help him choose the next Supreme Court justice.
"Hmmm... should I go with the 'Neutral Tans' or the 'Balmy Browns' Collection?" Biden said to himself.
"Everything is riding on this!"
Store employees report the president was looking through the color swatches for hours, only stopping to eat ice cream. Secret Service agents blocked off the aisle and refused to let other customers shop for their home projects.
Biden reportedly asked an employee for help but the white man was too afraid to risk being accidentally racist.
Home Depot Associate Jake Stone said of his encounter, "He was trying to ask what the best shade of black is for total submissiveness to his progressive executive agenda. At first, I thought he was going to repaint the Oval Office. I told him black wouldn't be great for a room."
"No, for people!" Biden allegedly yelled. "Black people! Come on, man!"
The president ...
BURBANK, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider's winning streak on Jeopardy has ended. Despite holding the record for Jeopardy’s highest-earning female contestant ever, Schneider was defeated after being confounded by the clue, ‘this gender has two X chromosomes.'
“I knew I was in trouble as soon as I saw the category of ‘Grade School Biology’,” said Schneider. “I avoided the category until the very end, as basic biology has never been my strong suit.”
Many in the audience saw the disaster coming a mile ahead. “What was Amy thinking betting so much in Final Jeopardy under that category?” said Daniele Dacus, a fan of Amy’s. “You never bet that high on such a complicated, theoretical subject, where so little of that field is understood.”
Sources claim that the host even gave a clue that ‘this is one of 2 genders’, but Amy still did not get the question correct. Amy started to answer the question by writing, “What is different and unique to each person based upon...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.