U.S.—The latest retro-styled reboot of Oregon Trail will have you try to survive as you trek through a dangerous land filled with hazards and hostile natives: not the American West, but rather, modern-day Portland, Oregon.
"Load up yer wagons and see if ya can make it through this deadly wasteland!" says the voiceover guy in the first trailer for the game, posted on social media Wednesday. "But watch out! You'll face angry, primitive natives, like Antifa and Black Lives Matter!"
The game has players load up their station wagons with supplies like avocado toast, vape pens, craft beers, and other Portland staples, and try to drive a few miles across town without getting mobbed by a group of protesters. Clever players will choose to outfit their wagons with Bernie stickers and Coexist decals to try to ward off the natives. To feed their caravan of travelers, players will have to make daring stops at communist-owned coffee shops and risk going to taco stands in extra-deadly autonomous zones.
You can even play minigames where you befriend the locals and help them tip over some statues.
One "rookie mistake" is to dress your character in a MAGA hat, since that's an "almost certain" way to die of peaceful protests, according to the game's developers.
You can, of course, still die of dysentery.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."