U.S.—Democrat governors and policymakers across the nation are considering another lockdown to wipe out the few small businesses that somehow managed to survive the previous lockdowns.
"We've received word that new, deadly variants of small businesses, um, I mean COVID, are popping up in spite of our best efforts to crush them forever," said Pelosi in her classic charming way at a press conference. "We need at least one more extended lockdown so that those pesky small businesses are utterly ruined to make way for the woke mega-corporations we all know and love. Um, I mean, let's defeat Delta variant or whatever."
Reporters then asked her to repeat herself, as the loud rattling noises from her jewelry, or her skeleton—it was unclear which—had drowned out the sound of her voice.
According to experts, up to 6 more months of extreme lockdowns may be needed in order to kill all the remaining small businesses so companies like Walmart, Amazon, and Blackrock can swoop in and take ownership of more land and market share.
"If we do this together, as Americans, we can rid America of the scourge of small business, um, I mean COVID," said Pelosi.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
