UNDISCLOSED—"Huh? Where am I?" billionaire Elon Musk said in a slurred voice as he awoke from a tortured rest. He winced and groaned as he felt anew the pain from the bruises on his face and all over his body. He tried to reach up and touch his face, but found he was tied to a chair.
"Oh. Oh man."
Musk had a vague memory of a black car pulling up near his Texas home and some men in black getting out, beating him up, and throwing him in the car. "I've got to get out of here! My Twitter fans need to hear my thoughts on how great Dogecoin is! And think of all the based memes they're missing out on!"
"Oh, don't worry," said a man in a black suit and sunglasses, stepping out of the shadows. "We've taken good care of your public appearance while you've been... away."
"Who are you! What did you do to me?" Musk shouted, rocking back and forth in the chair. "Let me go! I have to go buy more Bitcoin!"
"Oh. I don't... think you'll be... buying Bitcoin anytime soon, Mister... Musk. Take a look."
The man then turned on a television, and there, to his horror, Musk saw himself. Or, rather, someone who looked like himself. "Yes, Mister... Musk. We've perfected cloning technology over the past... few years. You might say... nobody will ever miss you."
Musk watched in horror as his evil clone held a press conference praising China, denouncing Bitcoin, and talking about the need for a globalist society where we all work together for a greener future under the watchful eye of an increasingly powerful one-world order.
"And don't worry... we've taken the liberty of unfollowing The Babylon Bee on Twitter for you."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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