UNDISCLOSED—"Huh? Where am I?" billionaire Elon Musk said in a slurred voice as he awoke from a tortured rest. He winced and groaned as he felt anew the pain from the bruises on his face and all over his body. He tried to reach up and touch his face, but found he was tied to a chair.
"Oh. Oh man."
Musk had a vague memory of a black car pulling up near his Texas home and some men in black getting out, beating him up, and throwing him in the car. "I've got to get out of here! My Twitter fans need to hear my thoughts on how great Dogecoin is! And think of all the based memes they're missing out on!"
"Oh, don't worry," said a man in a black suit and sunglasses, stepping out of the shadows. "We've taken good care of your public appearance while you've been... away."
"Who are you! What did you do to me?" Musk shouted, rocking back and forth in the chair. "Let me go! I have to go buy more Bitcoin!"
"Oh. I don't... think you'll be... buying Bitcoin anytime soon, Mister... Musk. Take a look."
The man then turned on a television, and there, to his horror, Musk saw himself. Or, rather, someone who looked like himself. "Yes, Mister... Musk. We've perfected cloning technology over the past... few years. You might say... nobody will ever miss you."
Musk watched in horror as his evil clone held a press conference praising China, denouncing Bitcoin, and talking about the need for a globalist society where we all work together for a greener future under the watchful eye of an increasingly powerful one-world order.
"And don't worry... we've taken the liberty of unfollowing The Babylon Bee on Twitter for you."
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
