FORBIDDEN WOODS—Recent polls have shown a low favorability rating for Vice President Kamala Harris. To combat this, she has taken the unusual step of releasing all the children she had imprisoned in her gingerbread house deep within the forest.
“Look at all of your children returned!” Harris announced as the kids fled from her. “And uneaten as well!”
It’s unclear why Harris has such a low approval rating. Some people blame sexism or racism or a combination of the two (sometimes known as “rexism”), but Harris hopes she can turn her approval rating around by giving families back their children and not plumping them up and eating them like she had originally planned.
“Run! Run back to your families!” Harris yelled to the fleeing kids and then let out one of her famous laughs.
“It’s just hard for a black woman in this climate,” said Sally Hubbard, an aide to Harris. “And it’s not going to be any easier for her, since she’ll now be cranky, having not satiated her hunger for children.”
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."