WASHINGTON, D.C.—Arrested and held in jail two months for rioting in D.C. on January 6th, Mr. Thomas Blackburn has been cleared of all charges after it came to light that in fact, he had only burned down a black-owned small business across the street from the Capitol.
"We deeply regret Mr. Blackburn's arrest - none of this should have ever happened," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "While the Department of Justice has committed every resource to jailing anyone who came within a hundred yards of the Capitol that day, we are equally committed to allowing small business owners to face death while their livelihoods are reduced to ashes. We were trying to protect ourselves while letting small businesses suffer, and Mr. Blackburn got caught in the crossfire. We at the DOJ have to own up to our mistakes, and accidentally nabbing a guy just trying to torch a jewelry store was a big one."
During the hearing, lawyers for Mr. Blackburn pointed out on security footage that the objects in Mr. Blackburn's hands were clearly explosives and not selfie sticks - an almost certain sign of innocence. A man beaten senseless by Mr. Blackburn during the episode at the store came out of a coma in time to also testify on Mr. Blackburn's behalf, clearly placing the defendant at Jones Family Jewelers during the Capitol riot. The presiding judge immediately tossed the case after hearing the recently comatose man's stirring testimony.
"Justice was done today," said Mr. Blackburn's lawyer, Stan "The Rino" Bigsby. "My client was only guilty of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I mean, Congress feels threatened and suddenly now we're prosecuting people for rioting? My client has been knocking over stores for months and not a peep. How was he to know a person could get prosecuted for looting and arson? Not that he doesn't feel remorse. He has assured me that he will never loot a store that close to a gathering of politicians ever again."
For his part, Mr. Blackburn has stated that he 'just wants this whole thing behind him' so he can go incinerate a Wendy's in peace.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.