WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House has hired TikTok influencer Benny Drama to help promote COVID vaccinations, and this move has already delivered stunning results. After Benny released a video of himself with long nails and a skirt prancing around with Jen Psaki, tens of millions of unvaccinated people have signed up to get vaccinated. There is a catch, though: They first want Benny and other TikTok influencers like him launched into the sun.
“Okay, you win,” said Douglas Mcguire, who has always been skeptical of the COVID vaccine. “You can inject me with your vaccine. Or multiple vaccines. Or bleach. I don’t care. Just take that guy from that video and anyone else like him and launch them into space in a way I’ll be sure they’re never coming back.”
At the prospect of getting millions more Americans vaccinated, government agencies have snapped into action. “I guess that’s feasible if that’s what it will take to help end the pandemic,” said NASA spokesman Erick Gregory. “We’ll just tell them, ‘Hey, we need some TikTok videos of you at SpaceX,’ and then get them into a rocket and launch it.”
Benny responded by releasing a statement, but it was just a bunch of emojis or something. President Biden also spoke about the program’s success, yelling, “What’s TikTok?” to reporters before getting lost on the way back to the front door of the White House.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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