KABUL—Approximately twelve minutes after U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan, Taliban fighters have completely taken over the entire country.
"Woah, that's a bummer," said the Biden Administration's foreign policy team. "We didn't see that one coming."
As the Taliban began its campaign of shooting and killing, as is their time-honored tradition, CNN anchors gushed with praise after noticing all the Taliban fighters were responsibly wearing masks to protect themselves and others from COVID.
"Wow! In the midst of the battle and bloodshed, these noble desert knights of Islamic superiority are wearing masks! Bravo!" said Brian Stelter.
TV anchor and world-renown polemicist Don Lemon was also quick to weigh in. "All things considered, we ought to be praising the COVID-safe masks these majestic mujahideen warriors are wearing," he said.
"They are showing all of us the proper way to behave during a pandemic—something those horrible idiot Trump supporters don't seem to get."
Inspired by their example, the Biden Administration has invited the Taliban to the White House to record TikTok videos in hopes of convincing Trump supporters to get vaccinated.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Unattractive Worship Leader Reassigned To Satellite Campus
Other members of the staff were in agreement with the decision. "Look, we all love Evan," said Youth Pastor Chet Chambers. "We appreciate what he brings to the table… from a musical standpoint. He just does not really represent the visual image we want to portray to our members. It is tough to get into worshiping God when the leader is… you know… ugly. He sounds great, though. Bless you, Evan."https://babylonbee.com/news/unattractive-worship-leader-reassigned-to-satellite-campus
Biden Issues Imminent Terrorist Threat Warning Due To The 11 Terrorists He Just Released From Prison
The eleven terrorists, some of which worked directly with al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden, were released into the custody of Oman, a nation that borders Yemen and Saudi Arabia. Biden confirmed he had already spoken with Sultan Haitham bin Tariq of Oman and been informed there were "no takebacks."
Harmful Stereotype Stabs Ten
"It is a deuced shame that some chaps might use this stabbing to reinforce their preconceived prejudices against Islam," said UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer. "As the people of Great Britain, we have no excuse whatsoever for forming racist, bigoted stereotypes about Islam based on the Muslim involved in this stabbing. Our hearts go out to those of the religion of peace who will continue to be adversely affected by the ongoing, damaging assumptions this incident may cause, such as being hindered in their attempts to stab other people."
