WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a forceful press conference today, Biden called for whoever the President is to "clean up this mess" in Afghanistan.
"Listen folks, this is ridiculous!" said President Biden. "Who's running this country anyway? I demand accountability! The President must be held responsible for this debacle!"
An aide attempted to whisper in his ear that he was the President, but Biden whirled around and punched the aide right in the nose in a flurry of righteous anger.
"How dare you sneak up on me while I'm holding the President to account!" said Biden.
The press conference was then abruptly interrupted by the evening call to prayer.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."