WASHINGTON, D.C.—Many are expressing concerns over how far the Taliban has managed to advance after Press Secretary Jen Psaki gave her latest press conference while wearing an Islamic Hijab.
"No, there is nothing to worry about, Alhamdulillah, Allah be praised," said Psaki. "The Taliban poses no danger to the U.S. and they definitely have not advanced as far as Washington, D.C. Everything is fine here."
When asked about her new modest religious veil, she responded, "What do you mean? I always wear these! It's sunny out and it keeps the sun off my head. Nothing to worry about!" She then circled back to face Mecca and bowed her head to the ground.
The White House also confirmed that the crowd of military-aged males with AK47s playing soccer on the White House lawn was just a fun little bit of performance art and nothing to be concerned over.
In other news, D.C. has confirmed that call to prayer will be at 3pm this afternoon and that everyone needs to be on time.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."