WASHINGTON, D.C.—Many are expressing concerns over how far the Taliban has managed to advance after Press Secretary Jen Psaki gave her latest press conference while wearing an Islamic Hijab.
"No, there is nothing to worry about, Alhamdulillah, Allah be praised," said Psaki. "The Taliban poses no danger to the U.S. and they definitely have not advanced as far as Washington, D.C. Everything is fine here."
When asked about her new modest religious veil, she responded, "What do you mean? I always wear these! It's sunny out and it keeps the sun off my head. Nothing to worry about!" She then circled back to face Mecca and bowed her head to the ground.
The White House also confirmed that the crowd of military-aged males with AK47s playing soccer on the White House lawn was just a fun little bit of performance art and nothing to be concerned over.
In other news, D.C. has confirmed that call to prayer will be at 3pm this afternoon and that everyone needs to be on time.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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