WASHINGTON, D.C.—A sorrowful President Biden expressed deep sadness over the horrific tragedy consuming Afghanistan, wishing only that there was something the President of the United States could have possibly done.
"I've been wracking my brain for hours, ever since I beat Rainbow Road, trying to think of something, anything, that the President could have done," said President Biden. "It is such a helpless feeling, ya know? Sitting there, just watching ruthless terrorists murder people we promised to help. I got this message from a general saying people who helped interpret for our soldiers were going to be executed and I thought - wow, that's so sad! Why are you bumming me out when there is nothing I can do about this?"
In a surprising move given his high character and decency, President Biden has shirked all responsibility and laid blame for the Afghanistan debacle at the feet of President Trump. Per Biden's 'Rules Of Blame', since Trump had planned to withdraw from Afghanistan - and called no take-backs - any resulting carnage from the withdrawal, even if done in the most unbelievably heinous, idiotic way imaginable, would be Trump's fault.
"I can hardly believe what I'm hearing - withdrew the military before ensuring U.S. citizens were taken care of?" said a despondent Biden. "And the system to take care of local allies crashed? Bases were abandoned so fast that lots of weapons fell into the hands of the Taliban? It's enough to make you sick to your stomach. I'm talking triple-scoop mint chocolate kind of sick. But you know, it is what is. My hands are tied. Welp, anyone up for the Star Cup? 150cc?"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TAMPA,FL—The NFL has implemented a controversial new rule for all games that go into overtime that is certain to change football forever. Now, instead of determining the winner by who scores the most in overtime, the referee will just play ‘Eenie Meenie Miny Moe’ to determine the winner.
“Eenie Meenie Miny Moe, one of these teams has got to go!” sang the referee as he pointed at each of the teams competing for their spot in the Super Bowl. “If they holler, that’s not fair, they forfeit right then and there!”
“In the past, we would give each team a chance at offense and defense to see which team was better, but now we’ll just sing this silly children’s song instead,” explained referee James Hitchums. “Makes it a lot easier for us refs and saves us from having to make those controversial calls.”
Sources say the referee finished his song while his finger was still pointing at the Buccaneers—immediately negating all of the team's hard work and eliminating them ...
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