WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a desperate bid to coax Biden back from vacation at Camp David to address some very pressing concerns in the country, staffers have decided to lure him back with a chocolate chip ice cream cone dangling from a string.
"He won't return our calls, so we're gonna try this," said Machen Stormfae, a White House intern. "Biden responds really well to ice cream... in fact, that's all he responds to. His eyes just light up like a newborn baby seeing his mother for the first time. It's quite beautiful." She then started whistling and making "tsk tsk" sounds with her mouth and whistling.
Other interns are wafting shampoo scents into the air and yelling "Here Biden! Here Mister President!"
After six hours of fruitless attempts, staffers eventually managed to lure him in with the ice cream. Biden then took a nap in the Oval Office before relieving the substitute President of his duties.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
