WASHINGTON, D.C.—After realizing that being the President is really hard, and he was never really that excited about it anyway, President Biden decided to go ahead and just hang a giant 'Trump Won' sign out of the White House window.
"Listen, folks—fair is fair," said Biden. "Trump won this thing. Yeah, I cheated on the election, but that was, like, nine or ten months ago. Gimme a break folks!"
Shocked onlookers began to take pictures as Biden unfurled the massive flag he bought from a street vendor on Pennsylvania Ave.
Explaining his decision to reporters, he said: "I'm not sure why I really wanted to do this thing to begin with. I guess I thought it would be fun, but it's not fun at all. It's just a bunch of malarkey. You people ain't cool. Just askin' me questions and getting all in my business all the time! What's that about, anyway? Has anyone seen the remote control? I'm behind on my Matlock episodes." Biden then picked up a piece of toast and pointed it at the TV. "Darn thing doesn't work!"
Aides quickly scrambled to pull down the flag before the media caught wind of it, but not before the image was posted to social media.
Biden is now being investigated by the FBI for sharing election misinformation.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."