KABUL—Through clandestine sources in Kabul, The Babylon Bee has obtained a leaked copy of the Taliban’s first draft of a new Women’s Bill of Rights.
The Taliban, who is now running the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, began work on the bill soon after liberal western democracies and individuals like Nancy Pelosi reminded them in a strongly worded letter that they should protect women's rights. While this bill is still in its early stages, we think they’ve made a lot of progress. Let’s look at some of the rights enumerated in the Taliban’s Bill of Women’s Rights:
The right to remain silent.
The right to equal employment inside the home with the other wives.
The right of freedom of movement. Again, inside the home.
The right to free healthcare that is on par with the best veterinary care in the country.
The right to an education in Islam.
The right to be married to whichever brave Taliban fighter chooses them.
The right to bear children and raise them up to defend the Islamic Emirate.
The right to marry at any age.
The right to choose the color of their burqa.
The right to be seen in public, so long as they are fully covered and in the presence of their husband.
The right to speak freely with other women about how to take care of the house and raise children.
The right to have only one hand chopped off as a warning in cases of minor infractions.
The right to trial by husband.
Wow! This new Women’s Bill of Rights is a progressive step for the Taliban and it’s exciting to see what they’ll come up with next!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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