WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stirring address to the nation, Biden sadly announced that we may soon have to invade Afghanistan once again after intelligence reports revealed they may have weapons of mass destruction, which we gave to them last week.
"Listen, folks, I know it seems like just last week since we were in Afghanistan," he said, "but it looks like we may have to go back. As it turns out, there are terrorists who now have weapons of mass destruction since we gave them weapons of mass destruction just the other day. Too bad! We have no other choice!"
The administration then announced they will be mobilizing 85,000 troops to reinvade the country and seize the weapons of mass destruction before the terrorists have a chance to use them. Then they will stay behind for 2 or 20 years to make sure nothing bad happens before abruptly leaving in the middle of the night since that worked so well last time.
"This time, we'll make sure to grab all our stuff before we leave!" Biden assured the public.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
