WASHINGTON, D.C.—Many reporters and American citizens are growing frustrated as they can't get a straight answer out of President Joe Biden. When he gives a press conference, he starts spouting nonsense like "Where are my pills" and "When do I get my pudding" and "Help, help, I don't want to do this anymore." And when it's time for questions, staffers just cut off his audio feed or he just wanders away for naptime.
So, to make sure the American people get a handy point-by-point bulletin of all the important talking points Biden was handed by his staffers, the White House is putting a summary of what they told Biden to say on his back.
"This way, everybody can see all the important points," said White House staffer Xen Wallaby, she/her. "Now people can't complain that Biden 'turns his back on reporters' or 'doesn't answer any questions' or 'is a senile old man who doesn't know what he's talking about and should have retired decades ago.' OK, well it doesn't really address that last one. But still."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."