The Babylon Bee
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September 12, 2024

Mola Ram Says He Has Found No Evidence To Support Trump’s Claim Of Heart-Ripping Ceremonies Taking Place Within Temple Of Doom

"After a thorough fact-check with my sources, there is zero evidence to support Mr. Trump's claim of heart-ripping ceremonies in the Temple of Doom," Mola Ram explained, wiping blood off of his hands with a ceremonial towel. "We have investigated the building in question and found no evidence of victims, lava pits, or ripped-out hearts. Mr. Trump's claim has therefore been completely debunked as a racist and probably sexist slander against the peaceful religion of the Thuggees."

https://babylonbee.com/news/mola-ram-says-he-has-found-no-evidence-to-support-trumps-claim-of-heart-ripping-ceremonies-taking-place-within-temple-of-doom

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🎙Christianity, Star Wars Prequels, and Staying In California | The Dave Rubin Interview

Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books

The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.

00:50:59
8 hours ago

Merrick Garland Warns If Anyone Insults Migrants Again He Will Call In Another Bomb Threat

"If people don't get their act together and quit claiming that migrants are eating dogs and cats and who knows what, I WILL call in another fake bomb alert from my contacts abroad, so help me Science!" Garland reportedly squeaked at one of his aides, crinkling up his rodentine nose at the sight of another decapitated pig in Springfield. "I'm sick and tired of this rubbish — everyone out there had better cut it out with the migrant hate or I'll....I'll...I'll call in a fake atomic bomb next time! That'll show those bigots. Get me an iced tea."

https://babylonbee.com/news/merrick-garland-warns-if-anyone-insults-migrants-again-he-will-call-in-another-bomb-threat

September 16, 2024

Kamala Safe And In Stable Condition After Attempted Interview

"Thankfully, Vice President Harris is safe and in stable condition," a campaign spokesperson said. "We all feared the worst when that crazed person emerged from the crowd and attempted to interview the sitting U.S. vice president right there in broad daylight. Someone must be looking out for her, though, because she avoided suffering any damage in the incident."

https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-safe-and-in-stable-condition-after-attempted-interview

2 hours ago

Report: Trump Furious As Would-Be Assassin Fired Gun Right During His Backswing

Assassins these days, they have no manners, it's terrible," said a clearly irritated Trump. "They have no respect for the game."

https://babylonbee.com/news/report-trump-furious-as-would-be-assassin-fired-right-in-his-backswing

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